Earlier today, I posted my top 3 rules for surviving a meeting as a young woman. This continues that list, with
an additional 11, supplemental rules.
The Other Rules
4. I introduce myself to, and shake the hand of,
everyone I don’t know. It usually comes after hugs and kisses to those I do
know (see #10 below), and sometimes it doesn’t get to happen until a break, but
I want to know who I’m supposed to be interacting with. I wouldn’t have a phone
conversation with a stranger, so why would I do that with someone who is
physically in the same room as me?
5. When I sit at the table, I position myself as
close to the center of the action as I can.
I am not the lithe young woman I once was, and women of my size
sometimes feel the need to sit in less-visible space so as to not draw
attention to themselves. It’s a way of making ourselves smaller. But making yourself smaller in a work
environment contributes to you disappearing in people’s minds. You will have
fewer opportunities to speak, they will come after the tone of the discussion
has been set by someone else, and they will never feel as assertive, even if
you are being assertive. I would be contributing to my own dismissal.
And to other
women who struggle with societal expectations regarding your size: stop
apologizing for your body. My body is what it is because of too many hours at
the office stress-eating. I didn’t give birth to a human child, but I produced
a book, a PhD, book chapters and articles, briefings for governments, NGO
reports, three speeches at the UN, what feels like 6 million Powerpoint slides,
and without question over 1000 hours of quality teaching. My body’s not what it
was at 22, but neither is my brain or CV. Love the story your body tells about
you.
6. My questions sound like
questions. My answers sound like answers. I know
it’s unfair
to judge women harshly for up-speak. But, I also think my up-speak is a lot
like my I’m sorrys. They are there to
soften my tone, to make me seem less emphatic and to make my comments more
appealing to the men in the room. They are vocal habits that are not natural
but were ingrained in me by a society that also uses those cues to judge
me as less competent than my male counterparts.
7. I don’t speak for the sake of
having my voice heard; I speak when what I have to say hasn’t been said but
needs to be. We’ve all been there – the person who uses the question period to
talk about something that isn’t the purpose of the meeting, potentially
derailing the meeting but mostly just serving as an annoying distraction, a
subtle suggestion this person is an interloper to the “grown-up
conversation.” We’ve also heard that guy
who is the fifth person to make the same point, without adding anything to the
first four. He does nothing other than increase the amount of time I spend in a
meeting. I dislike both of those types, so I make sure I follow the protocol I expect
of others. It also means that when I speak, people don’t internally groan.
8. I praise when praise is deserved; I criticize
when it’s necessary. While I don’t speak when it’s unnecessary, praise for good
work is always necessary. I make it
clear when I think someone has done something good, even if mine is the 30th
voice to do so in 5 minutes. On the other hand if I think an idea is bad, I
criticize it only when and to the extent it’s necessary to do so. If others
have killed the idea; I don’t say a word. If I see a problem, I raise it. But
if you think you should, can, or will get ahead by simply piling on to
criticism or tearing people down, I frankly don’t want to be in a room with you
and I doubt anyone else in this field will either.
9. I no longer volunteer for every opportunity.
Yes, I was that girl her raised her hand Hermione Granger style throughout
school – including all of law school. To a point, it was good for me to do
this. I have so many mentors because when I was given the opportunity to work
with them, I said yes without hesitation. During my LL.M. year, I undertook a
schedule that I spent the next 6 years advising students against replicating,
even while I replicated it for most of my PhD (Hypocrites Anonymous? Hi. My
name is Tara.) My closest friends on the LL.M. and I would cook and eat dinner
together at least 3x a week. Sort of. I
usually sat working until the food was on the table and someone closed the
laptop on my hands. After the dishes were done, I sat working while we watched
movies or talked about life, love, and human rights. I accomplished a lot, but it led to this
conversation towards the end of the year:
Female
Mentor (FM): Tara, I worry about you.
When do you sleep?
Me: From approximately 2am until 8am.
FM: Tara, Tara, Tara. That is no good. You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night
for your brain.
Me: [Female Mentor], when do you sleep each
night?
FM: I sleep every night from midnight until 6am.
Me: Ummm… how good are your math skills?
I find myself in good company at
those Hypocrites Anonymous Meetings.
The schedule gave me great
opportunities but I was regularly exhausted and generally a bad friend. Gradually,
I learned to ask myself: What will doing X require me to give up? Is X really worth giving up Y? Sometimes,
it’s okay to sleep less for a few days, but it’s not okay to do that for a year
(or 6 years).
Unless the project is my project, or something I am truly
passionate about, I no longer jump at any opportunity that comes up. I allow other people to volunteer or to get
passionate about the project while I weigh my options. I worried at first
people might think me a slacker. But not every opportunity is an opportunity
worth taking. Healthy choices do not make you a slacker; they make you healthy.
10. Despite what all of the above
might suggest, I also never lose sight of who I actually am and I make sure I
portray my genuine self in meetings. My jokes are jokes that come to me as the
day evolves, not well-honed stories trotted out to show how cool I am. I am sarcastic
and irreverent at times. I swear too much. (While I still maintain that last
one is a part of my
cultural heritage and a sign
of my genius, I realize not everyone feels it’s appropriate, so I try to
limit it at meetings.) All of those quirks and drawbacks come out clearly when
you meet me, and I don’t try to hide them because ultimately I don’t “network”
at meetings; I look for fellow travelers and kindred spirits. I make friends with people who I actually like,
and they get follow up “It was lovely meeting you” emails. I then actively
work to create opportunities to partner with them in the future on research or
activities.
I don’t try to force connections
with people just because they have fancy titles, and if I think someone’s a bit
of a jerk, that’s going to be obvious regardless of how fancy that title is. (I
happen to be lucky that I actually and genuinely like a large number of people
I work with. When I go to business & human rights conferences, I am
practically guaranteed to have at
least 1 good friend show up. That means sincere hugs, a beer or two after,
cooing over children, and at least one real conversation about how they are
doing in life.)
11. Related to #9, I moderate my
vocal pitch, but not my passion or beliefs. The treatment
of Hillary Clinton makes it clear that women will always be viewed as too
passionate or not passionate enough. We will never be allowed to hit that sweet
spot. We must perpetually live in a house where Goldilocks never gets to try
Baby Bear’s things. I don’t want to spend my time worrying about whether
I’m too hot or too cold, too soft or too hard. I want men to be able to hear me, but I also want them to understand me. That will only come when
I’m comfortable conveying my feelings, including the depths of them, through my
comments.
12. I stand up for other women
when I hear the subtle sexism come out. A few years ago, I was at a meeting
where I was (again) the most junior person in the room. There were a few more
women this time, including Margot Solomon.
After the meeting, we had beers before heading to our trains (Margot is amongst
those people I sincerely enjoy being around). Our teaching schedules and
methods came up and I explained the rules I employ in the classroom. One of the
men (who I now do really like) said he thought I was “Pollyanna” and there was
no way I was as tough as I was pretending to be. Margot immediately spoke up.
She pointed out how sexism affects the perception of female lecturers, and
noted that while I might not be tough the way male teachers are, she knew me
well enough by then to know I was tough. In about 2 minutes, she was able to
lay bare the implicit sexism in the comment, stand up for me, and show me one
way to challenge sexism tactfully but forcefully. I always hope I emulate that
when it becomes necessary.
13. I promote other women and
junior academics who aren’t in the meeting. I have been mentored by some of the
greatest men in human rights, so of course I’m going to want to invite them
whenever I can to wherever I can. But, that has to be complemented by the
realization that women’s careers can get sidetracked between 27 and 47 if they
aren’t equally invited to high-profile opportunities. Also, junior academics
regardless of gender need these opportunities, so I try to think of who doesn’t
fit the stereotype of invitees and how can they fit into what we’re doing. Then, I revert to rule #3. Occasionally, men
my age grumble about my constant need to point out All Male Panels but I’ve
never seen a man who is 10 or 20 years older air such a grievance. They know
that that this is how women get sidelined between 27 and 47.
14. I make sure that the youngest
woman in the room has a spot at the table and a chance to voice her opinion. If
I hear her say, “I know I’m not an expert, but …,” “I’m just a junior
researcher, but ..,” or “I’m just here to take notes, but …” I gently pull her
aside later and remind her that she wouldn’t be in the meeting if all we needed
was a pretty decoration – we have paintings for that, and technology that can
record our conversation for posterity. She’s there because she’s proven herself
worthy of being there – to someone at
least, even if it’s not yet me. She needs to know and hear that.
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